I Wish I Could Hate You
by Jason Thompson
Summary: Just cause Spike thinks Xander's a "Nummy Treat" doesn't mean the feeling's mutual


I Wish I Could Hate You  
A Buffy the Vampire Slayer Fanfiction Story  
Author: Jason Thompson  
Pilamsega@tir.com  
December 19, 2000  
  
Disclaimer:Once upon a time there was a guy he wrote a story with characters and settings   
he didn't own, but he put a disclaimer on his story and that made it a little less illegal. BTVS and   
Angel are owned by Joss, Fox, Mutant Enemy, and the WB. I don't own anything except the   
situation characters are in.   
  
Category:Xander/Spike, Xander/?  
  
Spoilers:None  
  
Warnings:  
  
Summary:Xander catches someone watching him.   
  
Rating:Rated R, for Angst, Language and a Special Appearance from Al Pacino.   
  
Distribution:Ask First.   
  
Notes:There was never any Anya/Xander. The "Inches Speech" from Any Given   
Sunday has nothing to do with story other than I was watching this movie while writing this.   
This is a great flick.  
  
Dedication:Dedicated to Bri, Mary, Duchess, Dale, Nate, Stone Cold, and Aslan, who have   
allowed me to bounce my ideas off them, and Krac, cause she has the evil bunny slippers.   
  
I Wish I Could Hate You  
  
I don't know what to say really. Three minutes to the biggest battle of our professional lives, all   
comes down to today. Now either we heal as a team, or we're gonna crumble. Inch by inch, play   
by play -- till we're finished. We're in hell right now gentleman. Believe me. And we can stay   
here, get the shit kicked out of us, or we can fight our way back, into the light. We can climb out   
of hell, one inch at a time.  
  
Oh man, why are you ruining this movie for me? Do you think I can't see you from the corner of   
my eye? I'm not Giles, I'm not blind. I can feel your eyes on me. I feel the emotions pouring off   
you, and it's ruining not only my movie experience, but my relaxing time.  
  
It's times like this I wish I could hate you. Fuck! It's at times like this I wish I could feel anything   
for you. But I can't, all I wish is that you'd leave me alone while Pacino is talking. This is an   
amazing scene, this is one of my favorite scenes in any movie, and you're ruining it.  
  
I know what people say, I hear the whispers, it's been the same thing all my adult life. I chalk it   
up to wishful thinking on their parts. It's always the same thing, first it was Jesse people liked to   
assume I was with, or Oz, or Larry, or any number of guys. Something about me I guess, makes   
people really want to think I'm gay. For the record, I'm neither gay or bi-sexual, or even curious.   
I'm sure millions of people like that lifestyle, I'm sure it works for them. But it ain't my bag, I   
guess I like breasts too much to find men attractive.   
  
Let's look at the first two women who I've been with, Cordelia and Faith, they have breasts to   
spare… And Faith, since that night in her hotel room when she threw me down on the bed, took   
my virginity, and kicked me out, I've had many, many opportunities to think about them…   
Getting sidetracked.   
  
Where was I?  
  
Oh yeah, I remember, you're staring at me. I'm guessing you're trying to look at me seductively,   
and I bet it's frosting your ass that, I'm watching this movie, and that very soon, my girlfriend is   
going to be here, and you're going to waste yet another chance at me.  
  
If it wasn't so annoying, it'd be funny.  
  
You know, I thought, considering you're a vampire, that I'd hate you. Out of hand, and maybe if I   
was still fifteen, I would. But I feel nothing for you. I'm apathetic towards you with every fiber   
of my being. The closest I come to feeling anything is when we're arguing, or when we're   
picking on each other. But the rest of the time, you're a non-issue, you can't bite me, hell you   
need me and the room I'm letting you sub-lease on my apartment a hell of a lot more then I need   
your rent.  
  
I can afford to live here by myself, but they make me keep you here. So I make you pay rent, if   
I'm going to be a boarding house, I'm not going to be cheap.  
  
I also know the score, I've talked to Angel about your bullshit, and he told me about your   
conquests, male and female. You like to think of yourself as the grand seducer, the Vampire   
community's answer to The Fonz. Right down to the leather jacket. You get anyone you want,   
and maybe at one time that was true, but with the chip, you aren't The Fonz, you're more like…   
like Squiggy.  
  
Arrogant comes to mind.  
  
Definitely, you're the most arrogant person this side of Hollywood. Finally, you're staring gets   
the better of my patience. "What!?" Hopefully the anger in my voice will snap you out of your   
annoying behavior.  
  
You look at me, like you weren't doing anything, but I can see the hand in the cookie jar look in   
your eyes. "What?"  
  
I snort, "Don't play stupid Spike. That's my game. You've been staring at me for like, two hours,   
and it's pissing me off. You are ruining my movie. This is on my top ten movie list and if I miss   
that guy getting his eye knocked out, I swear I'll put a stake through your heart." Remember how   
I said, I couldn't even hate him? Maybe I was wrong…  
  
Spike laughed uncomfortably and said, "Like you'd defy your precious Buffy."  
  
I smirk at him coldly, the one I learned from my father. "I don't see Buffy here, 'Oh yeah Buff, I   
woke up this morning and all his stuff was gone. I always figured he'd bust balls outta town   
whenever the mood suited him.' Do you think I'd let you live here if I wasn't prepared to dust you   
as soon as you pushed me too far?"  
  
Spike's eyes widened for a moment, then narrowed, talking to Spike is like a chess game, you   
have to set traps to get him to reveal his strategy. That was a check, I know I'm not in position to   
beat him, but I want to see what he'll do. There's that, "I'm a bad-ass, and I'm about to seduce   
you" look, here he goes…  
  
Spike stands up and crosses over to the couch to me. "Speaking of people who aren't here,   
where's your little piece of tail?"  
  
I scowl at him as he knocks my feet off the coffee table and sits down in front of me. He gives   
me this intense face that does exactly nothing to me. "She's out with Tara and Willow, helping   
Dawn pick an outfit for some dance she's going to. Why?"  
  
Spike's smirking, I'm guessing it's supposed to be sexy. "Well… that's too bad."  
  
Oh, he lowered his voice, well shit let me just drop my jeans right now. This is hilarious. I think   
I'll play the part for a while, then twist the knife, this'll be for every time this cocky, bleached-  
blonde fucker called me useless or stole my Twinkies, or took money from my wallet. "Why's   
that too bad Spike?"  
  
Spike sat down next to me on the couch, and put his hand on my thigh, he then ran his hand   
through my hair. Oh, I'm melting, take me now, this is hilarious. I said that already, didn't I?   
Spike gave me what I wonder is his sexiest look and said, "Cause she's going to miss me seducing   
her boyfriend."  
  
I wanted to prolong this, but when I sputtered and laughed out loud, the gig was up. I only   
realized how hard I'm laughing when I actually fall off the couch and clutch my sides. After a   
while, I'm not sure how long, I sat up, still chuckling, "Oh God Spike… That was… I mean, I   
expected more from the Big Bad. Cause that was… well frankly, that was weak." I continue in a   
mocking impression of Spike's voice, "'Cause she's going to miss me seducing her boyfriend.'   
What's next Spike? If I could re-write the alphabet? What's my sign?"   
  
I wipe the tears out of my eyes, "Spike, even if I was gay or bi, do you honestly think I'd fall for   
that line? What did you expect?" I grab my shirt and pretend to tear it open, "Oh take me Spike,   
I'm your Nummy Treat? Is that what you expected? Sorry to disappoint Spike, but one; I'm   
straight, two: I'm involved, and three: well you do exactly dick for me. You're obnoxious, you   
smell bad, your voice annoys me, your breath smells like ham and cigarettes, and most   
importantly, you're a corpse. Unlike Buffy, I'm not into necrophilia, except maybe Dru…"  
  
Spike actually had the nerve to get mad there, "Hey you leave Dru outta this…"  
  
I snort, "Fuck you. Oh wait you'd enjoy that too much. I guess what it comes down to is this,   
Spike, you're beneath me." I watch Spike bite back tears, maybe I hit too close to home, cause   
the next thing I know is his bedroom door is slamming shut and I'm left all alone. For about   
thirty seconds, cause the front door opens and Buffy comes breezing in. I smile, "Hey baby,   
what's up?"  
  
Buffy smiles before giving a brief kiss on the lips, "I heard you and Spike yelling. What did he   
do this time?"  
  
I smirk for a moment, "You don't want to know."  
  
Buffy smiles and runs a finger over my chest, now here's the way to push my buttons. "C'mon   
Xand, I want to know, I really do."  
  
I smile and press a kiss into her blonde locks, "I'll tell you what, I'll save this story for a day when   
you really need a laugh, cause it's pretty funny."   
  
Buffy just smirks up at me, "I have ways of making you talk Mr. Harris." As she says this, her   
fingers have slipped inside my pants.  
  
A shock of lust goes straight through me, "Okay, okay. Spike came on to me."  
  
Buffy's smirk turns quickly into a scowl. "He came on to you, I'll dust him."  
  
I grab her arm, "Whoa, slow down jealousy girl, I put him in his place."  
  
Buffy smiled, "Good."  
  
"Actually it was pretty damn funny. He was all suave and seductive and then he's like. 'So   
where's your girlfriend?' So I say, out and ask why, and he says, I kid you not, 'Cause she's going   
to miss me seducing her boyfriend.'" Buffy then fell over laughing.  
  
***  
  
I hear the Slayer's laughter as I pack my bags. I can't take this shit. First Cicely, then Darla, then   
Buffy, and now Xander. I'm sick of being hurt like this. I hate this town. I'm going back to   
London for a few decades, let these pricks grow old, then when the chip's out, and their old and   
gray. Then we'll see how beneath them I really am.  
  
--End--  



End file.
